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‘Deal of the Century’ Revealed!

jpost.com

BREAKING NEWS: You are about to learn the details—minus necessary redactions here and there—of President Trump and peace-negotiator-in-chief Jerad Kushner (with the blessing of the architect behind the scenes, PM Benjamin Netanyahu), long-in-the-making peace plan for solving—once and for all!—the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

How did I get hold of it, you ask? Ah, well… you know me, I can’t lie. And the truth is, I woke up one morning this last week from unsettling dreams (to paraphrase Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis’), and found myself in bed changed into an enlightened man. And in my head, lo and behold, was the entire plan. The whole deal, people, plain and simple.

I got out of bed and stumbled onto my computer and hit the keyboard full-forced, as my mind was obsessed with telling you all about it. But wait, I have some military-experience, some security-service background too, and even without anybody telling me what to do, I decided—‘conscientious’ is my middle name—to do some extra work on the document and give you just the summary, redacted here and there for security reasons, in order not to jeopardize the successful negotiation and implementation of the plan.

Enough talking. Here it is then, point-by-point, starting with what NOT in the plan. First—there will NOT be a Palestinian state. Second—East Jerusalem will NOT be the capital of a future Palestinian state. Third—there will NOT be a right-of-return for the Palestinian People (even those born in old Palestine, now Israel—but all Jews, wherever they are born, will continue to have the-right-of return throughout the land, from the river to the sea.) Fourth—the new Palestinian entity will NOT have an army. Fifth—the Palestinians will NOT have an uncontrolled, free-flowing land connection between the West Bank and the Gaza Strip.

Now to what the Palestinians WILL have. On the outskirts of Jerusalem, they WILL have the Abu Dis village as their capital (if they really need it, since they won’t have an independent state anyhow, and might as well stay in Ramallah). They WILL have a full autonomy in the places—areas, towns, villages—which are currently under their control. They WILL have a huge, tremendous—the biggest ever!—financial and economic aid from the United States, Israel and Saudi Arabia. And to top it all, they WILL be allowed to breathe freely—no taxes at all!—the clear, Biblical Judean Hills air, and to work, marry, even have sexual intercourse as much as they wish, and have children who will grow up in their beautiful—controlled albeit by Israel—Autonomy Plus.

As for Israel: Not a single settlement and not a single settler, WILL be evacuated from what used to be called—very wrongly!—the “Occupied Territories.” All these areas, the roads leading to them and the walls protecting them, WILL be annexed to Israel proper, and WILL be known from now on (in this document and elsewhere) as “Judea and Samaria.” Israel WILL have the entire, undivided, eternal Jerusalem as its capital (granting free access to the Holy sites, regardless of religion). Israel WILL continue to have its security-services and army-forces patrolling and controlling the Palestinian-territories (whatever they wish to call it). Needless to say, Israel WILL continue its presence and control of the Jordan Valley, safeguarding its eastern front.

Addendum to this summery. Hostility: Must cease and desist between the two parties; any violation WILL render this agreement null. Armed Forces: The Palestinian Autonomy WILL have no army, as stated, other than police; the Israeli State WILL continue to develop and extend its army as needed, including as many nuclear warheads it deems necessary (under this agreement, Israel WILL never again be asked to join the ‘Non-Proliferation Treaty’.) Traveling: The Palestinian People WILL travel freely between their towns and villages, but WILL need special permits to travel to Israel or abroad, and WILL continue to pass through check-points. Israel WILL maintain control of sea, land, and air. However, under a special arrangement with the liberal city of Tel Aviv, the Palestinian People WILL be able to freely enjoy the beaches of the Mediterranean Sea, and even to look longingly at Jaffa, where their ancestors had used to live before the war of 1948.

Lastly: By signing this peace-deal, the parties accept it wholly without reservations. As reward for the Palestinian Authority choosing corporation over corruption, Israel WILL host a celebratory soccer match between the parties in the near future. Likewise, the great President Trump—best leader ever!—WILL host the leaders of the two parties in the White House for an elaborate signing ceremony, with Roseanne Barr as MC, with a grand party to follow at the Trump Hotel, financed entirely by MbS, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, with Vladimir Putin in attendance.

THIS JUST IN: Israel, the Jewish State, has agreed already to sign this deal. Palestine, the Arab Autonomy, hasn’t done so yet. My “sources” at the administration are telling me that they can surrender and sign it, or commit suicide. Entirely up to them.

* The ‘Leave a Comment’ link is the last tag below, in blue.

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