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Exclusive Transcript of Clinton and Netanyahu phone call

Netanyahu: Hello…

Hillary: Mr. Netanyahu?

Netanyahu: Speaking.

Hillary: This Hillary Clinton. I wanted–

Netanyahu: Hillary… Thanks for calling. How’s Bill doing, his heart okay?

Hillary: Ticking like crazy, but never mind my husband now. I’m the secretary of state, Mr. Netanyahu, let me remind you of that.

Netanyahu: No need reminding, Hillary, I’m on the ball. And call me Bibi, would you?

Hillary: Not today. Today I wanted to talk with you about these new housing units your government is planning on buildings in East Jerusalem, and about–

Netanyahu: Don’t worry about it, really. What are a few new buildings between friends? We just–

Hillary: We won’t be friends for long, Mr. Netanyahu, if you continue to abuse our trust in this fashion.

Netanyahu: Funny, continue was my nickname among my buddies in Sayeret Matkal. You know, in my army days. Once I started something, I kept going and going. Just like the energizing–

Hillary: And my nickname in college was ironlady. And this kind of male chauvinistic talk and attitude, for a lack of a better word—dammit, where is Rahm Emanuel when I need him—won’t work with me this time. You insulted our Vice President, Mr. Netanyahu, and by and large our whole administration. Do you realize that?

Netanyahu: Well aware of it, Madam Secretary. But trust me on this, old Joe, you know, he’s such a nice fellow. I told him I was sorry, and–

Hillary: Sorry for what?

Netanyahu: For this idiot, I forgot his name, some religious minister or other. I have so many of them in my government, you see, I sometimes forget their names, and who’s doing what exactly. Anyway, he came up with this disclosure at the most inopportune moment. I absolutely agree.

Hillary: The announcement was very embarrassing, Mr. Netanyahu, but the actions your government is taking are even more so. And don’t tell me you weren’t in on it, that you were blindsided and all that nonsense. We don’t buy it here, the president as well as I.

Netanyahu: Give me a second here, Hillary, I can’t get a word in.

Hillary: That’s right! It’s high time you start listen to us. Or else–

Netanyahu: All right, I get the picture. But you see, just before your Veep arrived here in Jerusalem, our eternal, united capital, I was at this party for our brave Mossad agents to celebrate the killing of this Hamasnick murderer, and suddenly I get this call–

Hillary: This is another thing, Prime Minister, about time you stop assassinating people and abusing international laws like that, left and right.

Netanyahu: Oh, don’t be such a prude, Hillary. We have a long arm, you know, and once in a while we like to use it. That’s all.

Hillary: Are you threatening me, Nr. Netanyahu?

Netanyahu: God no!  What made you say that?

Hillary: Just for a second, I thought–

Netanyahu: I was referring to Iran, actually. About time you let us–

Hillary: Don’t you dare attacking Iran without our permission, Prime Minister, I’m warning you here and now! I hope you understand that our bilateral relationship is based on trust. This latest act of yours was deeply negative for our relation as it is. In fact, our Vice President was planning on discussing the Iran situation with you before you blew up everything with these new houses. So don’t you come up now–

Netanyahu: I won’t, Hillary, don’t you worry. Anyhow, it’s Friday here and just before Shabbat. There’s this new synagogue over there in Ramat Shlomo, where we are planning on building these new homes, and I promised to attend Erev Shabbat services there. So if you–

Hillary: That’s exactly the point, you know. It’s not the announcement debacle so much, we could’ve swallowed that. But the fact that you participate in it, and knowingly sabotaging our efforts to bring peace and stability finally to your region, and help stabilize the Middle East, and pacify the Muslim World to boot.

Netanyahu: Right, I hear you, and it won’t happen again, I promise you. I already formed a committee exactly for that purpose.

Hillary: Well, that’s certainly a step in the right direction. But the real issue is–

Netanyahu: I promise you it won’t happen again, Hillary, I said that enough. Come over and you’ll see. I’ll take you on a tour, since we didn’t have a chance to do that last time you were here. Those rolling hills over there, where we’re building the new houses, are breathtaking. You can see all the way to Jericho, almost.

Hillary: I’ll think about it. Meanwhile, the indirect talks must get under way, you understand that, Prime Minister?

Netanyahu: Okay, if you insist. But you know something, I didn’t think it was such a great idea in the first place. We have a word for it in Hebrew: Doogry. It might be in Arabic, actually, come to think of it.

Hillary: Get on with it, Mr. Netanyahu. What it means?

Netanyahu: Direct. Be direct. No nonsense. Proximity shmoximity. Face to face, that what we Israelis like. No bullshit–

Hillary: Mr. Netanyahu…

Netanyahu: Sorry, I got carried away. But you see what I mean, don’t you?

Hillary: Indirect talks will lead eventually to direct talks. That’s our rational.

Netanyahu: Got you. Which reminds me, actually, that we have a date soon, you and I. Remember?

Hillary: What the hell are you talking about?

Netanyahu: Well, in two weeks I’m off to D.C., where AIPAC is holding its annual meeting. We suppose to speak there, both of us.

Hillary: I completely forgot about it, to be honest, what with everything going on. I’ll have to check with my staff.

Netanyahu: Please do so. We can meet beforehand for lunch, or early dinner, and discuss everything face to face. Maybe we’ll move to the White House afterwards.

Hillary: Forget about the White House for now, Mr. Netanyahu. You’re not welcomed there currently.

Netanyahu: I know, I know. But I talked already with our boys in AIPAC. After Shabbat they’re going to call the White House and straightened things up. Expect a call from them, too, by the way.

Hillary: Is that a threat again?

Netanyahu: No way. Just a friendly advice, get ready, you know how tough they can be on the phone.

Hillary: Sure I know. So tell them not to call me, will you? It will be a waste of time, anyway.

Netanyahu: What do you mean?

Hillary: What you just heard. This goes for you, too: Don’t call me unless you’re serious about peace, and about stopping all settlement activities, including in East Jerusalem.

Netanyahu: What, are you pulling Secretary of State Baker’s trick on me?

Hillary: That’s right! I’m not above borrowing a page from his script.

Netanyahu: I see.

Hillary: You got my number, right?

Netanyahu: Right.

Hillary: Shalom then.

Netanyahu: Shalom… 

When she hung up the phone I woke up alarmed and,  worried I would forget my dream, rushed to record it on my computer.

Your devoted stenographer, Hillel Damron.


3 Responses

  1. Hillel,

    Loved the Hillary-Bibi conversation. I was reading it and could not believe what I saw and even laughed out loud. At first I thought it was genuine.

  2. You are so damn funny. And you didn’t even use any of the Hillary jokes from Don’t Mess With The Zohan.

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