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Transcript of Obama-Netanyahu Phone call



Full disclosure: A team of Russian hackers, “Brotherhood of Men,” has made this transcript available to me. I cannot verify its authenticity, though it reads pretty close to the truth.

Phone Ringing.
Netanyahu: Hello
Obama: Mister Prime Minister?
Netanyahu: Mister President?
Obama: Congratulations.
Netanyahu: Thanks. I sure appreciate your call, even if late.
Obama: Better late than never. How’s your lovely wife Sara doing?
Netanyahu: A bit tired, but fine now. She’s right here beside me.
Obama: Tell her I said hi, and both of you have a nice evening.
Netanyahu: Wait, Mister Obama, don’t be like that. We have a lot to talk about.
Obama: Some other time, maybe. John Kerry is on the other line, Mister Netanyahu, and–
Netanyahu: Please call me Bibi, why don’t you?
Obama: This is an official call. I–
Netanyahu: I know you’re upset about my win, but I hope you can get over it soon. This is how our democracy works, after all.
Obama: You mean by scare tactics? Something about “Arab on buses,” citizens of your country going to the polling stations and “voting in droves.” This reminds of other buses, you know, and of other dark times in our racist history, here in America.
Netanyahu: This was taken totally out of context, Mister Obama, I promise you.
Obama: Words matter, you know.
Netanyahu: I know. But actions matter more.
Obama: How do you mean?
Netanyahu: You know very well what I mean. But let’s be friends now, and open a new page in our relationship. May I call you Bama? It has a nice ring to it, you know, Bibi and Bama. Don’t you think?
Obama: I don’t. But you can call me whatever you want, it won’t change one bit the nature of those semi-racist remarks you’ve made. Including, by the way, referring to me in your party campaign phone messages only as “Hussein Obama.”
Netanyahu: Look, Bama, I can’t be responsible for everything my American campaign managers did. And as to the Arab citizens, you know, now they have the third largest party in our Knesset. Where else can you find such a democracy in the Middle East?
Obama: Your democracy in Israel is a source of pride to us all here, especially to me. But misleading the public in order to win an election makes me sick. And it may lead only to more troubles.
Netanyahu: Listen, my friend, I actually took it out of your playbook.
Obama: Excuse me?
Netanyahu: Remember how you said “Yes we can,” during your campaign. That’s how you won, right?
Obama: In part, yes.
Netanyahu: Well, you knew of course that there was no chance in hell that we’d work with you in Washington, hand in hand, but still–
Obama: What do you mean, “we”?
Netanyahu: I mean the Republicans and the Democrats on the hill. You know they consider me practically one of them, the Republicans, if not…
Obama: Go ahead, spell it out.
Netanyahu: If not their leader. They wouldn’t mind if I ran in 2016 for your office.
Obama: Be my guest. Were you born in America?
Netanyahu: No, Bama. Were you?
Obama: Sure did, Bibi.
Netanyahu: Well, my Republican friends say otherwise, you know.
Obama: That’s why they are your friends, not mine.
Netanyahu: You got that right. Which reminds me, by the way: Agent Orange is coming to pay me a visit in two weeks.
Obama: I beg your pardon?
Netanyahu: Mister Boehner, I mean.
Obama: I see, I didn’t know that.
Netanyahu: It’s still a secret, but I let you in on it ahead of time. That’s how my boys here in the Mossad refer to him, Agent Orange.
Obama: I wonder how they refer to me, your boys in the Mossad?
Netanyahu: Oh… I don’t know. I actually have no idea.
Obama: Really?
Netanyahu: Really. I’ll have to ask them. But never mind that, I…
Obama: You what, get to the point.
Netanyahu: I have to return the favor to him, you see, the speaker of the house. He’ll probably speak to our Knesset here, we’ll give him the Full Monty.
Obama: And you reckon that this will improve our own relationship, as in “opening a new page”?
Netanyahu: I don’t see why not. I’ll be taking him to visit our newest settlement, see for himself what a beautiful country we are building here with your money.
Obama: Our money?
Netanyahu: Of course, don’t pretend you don’t know that. And don’t forget to increase the annual three billion dollars next year. I’ll be sure to raise it with the leader of the Congress when he’s here.
Obama: Remind him also about the Palestinians, while you’re at it.
Netanyahu: What about them?
Obama: I heard you said you no longer see a two-state solution as a viable option.
Netanyahu: I never did see it as a viable option, Bama. You know what I mean, don’t you?
Obama: Probably so.
Netanyahu: There you are then. I was just being truthful. The phantom of the two-state illusion is gone forever. Kaput. You know what it means in Yiddish, kaput?
Obama: Actually I do. I also know now what “gevalt campaign” means. But it won’t prevent us from reassessing our policy in regard to the Palestinian issue. We might–
Netanyahu: Don’t threaten me, please, not to veto that phantom state resolution in the UN Security Council.
Obama: I’m not threatening you. I’m telling you.
Netanyahu: Don’t lecture me, either. I’m not one of your…
Obama: Go ahead, my what?
Netanyahu: You know… all your Jewish intellectual friends from the New York Times and CNN, who hate me so much.
Obama: They are not in the business of hate, Mister Netanyahu, that’s your business. They just report the truth, the way they see it of course.
Netanyahu: Well, let me ask you something about the truth: You know who really calls the shots in Washington when it comes to Israel, don’t you?
Obama: Enlighten me, Mister Netanyahu.
Netanyahu: I do. You must know that by now. I will launch our AIPAC boys at you, and they will bark at your phones and at the congressmen and senators’ phones off the hooks like a pack of Dobermans. And of course, my friend Sheldon Adelson will take care of business money wise. So get ready, together they will make your life hell there in D.C.
Obama: Be my guest, Prime Minister. There is nothing much I can lose in two years.
Netanyahu: Oh yes, you can. Your legacy.
Obama: Let me worry about that.
Netanyahu: Of course. And by the way, you know the Adelsons are coming to town tomorrow. We’ll have a celebratory dinner in Tel Aviv.
Obama: I’m not surprised. Who’s paying for dinner?
Netanyahu: Ha-ha, that’s a good one, Bama. I didn’t know you have such a good sense of humor.
Obama: Now you know.
Netanyahu: Good. I’ll be your guest there at the White House before you know it, and we can tell jokes to each other for a change, over dinner.
Obama: I have no doubt you’ll be coming soon. Have a safe trip, then, and good–
Netanyahu: Wait, it reminds me. What about the Passover Seder this year?
Obama: What about it?
Netanyahu: It would be nice, you know, if you’ll invite our ambassador there over to the White House for–
Obama: Seriously?
Netanyahu: Why not. In return, Ron will gladly invite you over to his house for the second Seder night. It will give you two an opportunity to get to know each other better. I think that’s just fair.
Obama: What fair is that you’ll call him home for good. Though I’m not sure I know where his home really is.
Netanyahu: Here, when we need him; there, when we need him.
Obama: Fine, that’s sum up both of you pretty well. I never considered you a man of principles, Mister Netanyahu, even before these elections. But now–
Netanyahu: Now what? I’m very practical, Mister President, you must give me that. And I’ll still be in office long after you’re gone.
Obama: So?
Netanyahu: So I suggest you remember that. Don’t go ahead signing up on any bad deal
with devils from Iran that won’t worth the paper it’s written on, if there will be any paper to sign. That’s my advice to you.
Obama: And if I won’t take your advice, what then?
Netanyahu: Then all hell will break loose before you know it.
Obama: We shall see about that.
Netanyahu: Indeed we shall.
Obama: Good bye.
Netanyahu: Wait, one more thing… damn, I need some ice cream, Sara!
Phone blipped.

* Published originally on “The Times of Israel.”

** The “Leave a comment” link is the last tag below, in blue.

American Putsch



Many interesting articles were printed and posted online, and many fine words were written, and many thought-provoking observations were made regarding Israeli PM Netanyahu’s upcoming visit to Washington, and his expected speech before a joint meeting of the American Congress. Good reasons aplenty were given why he should not go ahead with this speaking engagement, and some sharp arguments were made why, in fact, he should go ahead with it. President Obama, pointing out the close proximity of the visit to the Israeli elections on March 17, decided not to invite the Prime Minister to the White House and not meet with him while he is in town. Vice President Biden will be absent from his Congress’ high chair behind the speaker, and in front of him some chairs of Democrat Senators and Congress Representatives (29 and counting) will be empty as well. And yet, my friends, the truth was left behind.

How so, you may ask. Well, let me try to explain. According to House Speaker John Boehner – from now on will be referred to in this unbinding document as the “inviter” – the invitation was meant to give the Israeli Prime Minster an opportunity to share his views, and voice his concerns regarding the ongoing negotiations between America and its European allies with Iran about the latter nuclear program, with the deadline for reaching a framework deal due March 24. Who better, the “inviter” has said, than the Israeli leader, the leader of the country who would “supposedly” be most affected by the outcome of these negotiations, to explain the need to be tough with the Iranians, not to trust and believe them, stop these useless talks and help Congress see the light by passing a resolution – regardless and in spite of President Obama’s objections – to enforce more sanctions on Iran immediately, and be prepare to act, militarily, sooner rather than later.

According to the “inviter,” who has put forward a very innocent (if tanned) face and posture, the Prime Minister is coming because, first, he was invited, not only by the “inviter-in-chief” but by AIPAC – another prominent player in this sordid affair – as well. And second, because as the leader of his people in Israel and abroad – you heard that right, Jews of America – it is his obligation to use any platform and any opportunity to let his views, his objections to this deal with the nuclear Iran, be known. It is not only his duty, the “inviter” has said, and so did PM Netanyahu – from now on will be referred to in this unbinding document as the “invitee” – but his obligation to expose the fallacy and dangers of these negotiations and present the truth.

So let see about this truth then. From the American side the engineer of this brilliant gambit – i.e. the “inviter” – has expressed his view that the rationale behind this visit is the above mentioned need to hear from the leader of Israel before taking a vote. Really?! Are you serious?! Since when does the Congress of the United States invite foreign leaders to help it determine its vote? Never! But here’s the real lie: The “inviter,” and with him the entire Congress, knows very well what the “invitee” thinks about Iran, its nuclear ambition and capability. His views about the negotiations and the need for more sanctions without further delay are very well known. He will be preaching to the choir. As a matter of fact, there might not be a single person in the entire world – a regular person, like you and me, who pays an average attention to the news of the world – who doesn’t know the “invitee’s” view about it. He had made it famously clear in his September 27, 2012 speech at the UN Assembly, using the bomb diagram and the red marker. It went viral on YouTube. The entire world saw it.

Not only that: The Republican-led House – probably the Senate, too, before the ball of this “invite” has begun rolling — is going to vote against Obama and in favor of enacting more sanctions against Iran no matter what. Regardless of whether the “invitee” will speak or not. “Republicans apparently see value in trying to sabotage any possible success for Mr. Obama, even if it harms American interests,” wrote The NY Times in an editorial.

Indeed, the true raison d’etre behind this “invite” is what I call an “American Putsch.” Some Republicans, the “inviter” most certainly among them, still haven’t gotten the word, or haven’t gotten use to it, that Barack Obama is the American President. They and their trumpeters on the Fox Televising channel and radio talk shows still dream – following their failure last time when there was a democratic president in the White House – of impeaching him. Of unseating him somehow. Of taking him down in every way possible. He just acted on his own, didn’t he (because of the Congress’ inability to do anything) on immigration, on Cuba and on other matters. We will show him then. We will undermine him then. We will make his last two years in office hell, and the hell with the American people and the need to pass laws to better their lives. He would live to regret it, the president. That’s the only reason for the “invite” from the American side.

From the Israeli side, a different story: The need, in fact, to keep the prime minister in office! This brilliant maneuver is the brainchild of the current Israeli US Ambassador, Mr. Ron Dermer – from now on will be known in this unbinding document as “inviter #2”. American by birth and Republican by choice, he was a political operator for that party before he became an Israeli citizen. All the above-mentioned Republican’s reasons are dear to his heart as well. Hence the fact that he, too, “forgot” to inform the White House and the Secretary of State about their plans of inviting the Israeli prime Minister. “The invitation hadn’t been pre-negotiated with the White House, as is usually the case when foreign leaders are invited to address Congress,” wrote David Ignatius in the Washington Post. But “inviter #2” and the “Invitee” have another, different reason in their bag: Winning the upcoming Israeli Elections. For the average Israeli citizen, even those who are not die-hard Likud supporters, seeing the Israeli PM on the American Congress podium, giving his “oh so American” speech, getting all these thunderous applause and standing ovations, is a big deal. It warms their heart.

And who can blame them? Certainly not the writer of these words. No wonder, though, that after his last visit to the US Congress, just short of three years ago, when and where the “Invitee” used the same floor for the same purpose as he would do know, his speech was used – I repeat, used! – as an election campaign ad for the Likud and its leader. Which won him, in part, that election. This is the true reason for this visit on his part, and the hell with the relations between Israel and its greatest friend ever. I need to win this elections – screw you Obama. The same way I did with the French President Hollande when I showed up in Paris “uninvited” and pushed myself to the front row. I am a pusher, you see, and the entire world is my stage! Even if the truth, like a dead bird, is left behind.

* Published originally on “The Times of Israel.”
** The “Leave a comment” link is the last tag below, in blue.


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